When you and your spouse discuss a problem, do you seem to end up further apart than when you started the conversation? If so, you can improve the situation. First, though, there are a few things you should know about the different communication styles of men and women.
WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Women usually prefer to talk out a problem
before hearing a solution. In fact, sometimes talking is the solution. A wife in thr United State said
“I can’t move on if I don’t have a chance to
explain to my husband exactly how I feel. Talking it out is a form of closure
for me.” Another wife from India explained.
“It’s like detective work. As I talk, I’m
analyzing each step of the problem and trying to get to the root of
it.” A wife from Russia.
Men tend to think in terms of solutions. That is understandable because fixing things
makes a man feel useful. Offering solutions is his way of showing his wife that
she can rely on him for help. So husbands are baffled when their solutions are
not readily accepted. “I can’t understand why you would talk about a problem if
you didn’t want a solution!” says a husband named Barack.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
For husbands: Practice empathetic listening. "Sometimes after listening I think to myself, ‘That didn’t
accomplish anything.’ But often that’s all my wife needs—a listening ear,” - acknowledged by a husband from South Africa. A
husband named Stephen would agree. “I find it best to let my wife express
herself without interrupting,” he says. “More often than not, she finishes and
tells me she feels a lot better.”
You may try this: The next time you discuss a problem with your wife, resist the urge to give unsolicited advice. Make eye contact, and focus on what she is saying. Nod in agreement. Repeat the gist of what she says to show that you get the point.
For wives: Say what you need. “We might expect our spouse to know just what we need,” admits a wife from Greece, “but sometimes we do have to spell it out.” A wife named Ynez suggests this approach: “I could say, ‘Something is bothering me, and I would like you to hear me out. I don’t need you to fix it, but I would like you to understand how I feel.’”
You may try this:: If your husband prematurely offers
solutions, do not conclude that he is being insensitive. Likely he is trying to
lighten your load. “Instead of getting annoyed,” says a wife named Ester, “I
try to realize that my husband does care and wants to listen but that he also
just wants to help.”
Your both may try this: We tend to treat others the way we want to be treated. However, to discuss problems effectively, you need to consider how your spouse would like to be treated. A husband named Canada puts it this way: “If you are a husband, be willing to listen. If you are a wife, be willing to hear solutions once in a while. When you meet in the middle, both spouses benefit.
