Men
and women communicate differently, and they have unique needs. A woman may long
to share her feelings openly and often. Many men, on the other hand, try to
preserve peace by solving problems quickly and avoiding thorny issues. How,
then, can you bridge these differences and communicate with your husband or
wife? By treating your mate with respect.
A respectful person values others and seeks to
understand their feelings. Since childhood, you may have learned to respect
people who have more authority or experience than you have. In marriage,
however, the challenge is to show respect for someone with whom you are on more
of an equal footing—your mate. “I knew that Phil would listen with patience and
understanding to anyone else who spoke to him,” says a wife named Gladys, who
has been married for eight years. “I wanted him to be just as empathetic with
me.” Likely, you listen patiently and speak respectfully to friends and even
strangers. Yet, are you just as considerate to your mate? Disrespect creates
tension in the home and leads to bitter conflict.
How can you communicate respectfully? Consider
some practical advice.
When Your Mate Has Something to Say
The Challenge: Many people like to talk more than they like to listen. Are you one of them? A proverb describes as foolish anyone who is “replying to a matter before he hears it.” So before you talk, listen. Why? “I prefer it when my husband doesn’t try to fix my problems right away,” says a wife called Sophia, who has been married for 26 years. “He doesn’t even have to agree or figure out why the problem arose. I just want him to listen to me and validate my feelings.”
On the other hand, some men and women hesitate
to express themselves and feel uncomfortable if their mate pressures them to
talk about their feelings. Lois , who was recently married, discovered that her
husband takes a long time to share his feelings. “I have to be patient,” she
says, “and wait for him to open up.”
A
Solution:
If you and your mate need to talk about something potentially divisive, raise
the matter when both of you are calm and relaxed. What if your spouse is
reluctant to speak up? Recognize that a person’s thoughts are like water in a
deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out. If you draw a bucket out of a well too
quickly, you will lose a lot of water. Similarly, if you confront your mate too
forcefully, your mate may become defensive and the opportunity to draw him or
her out may be lost. Instead, ask questions gently and respectfully, and be
patient if your mate does not articulate feelings as quickly as you would like.
When your spouse does speak, be swift about
hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath. A good listener listens not
only with the ears but also with the heart. When your mate speaks, try to
understand his or her feelings. Your mate will sense your level of respect—or
disrespect—by the way you listen.
When your mate speaks, follow the same pattern.
Remember, he or she is likely seeking heartfelt empathy, not a quick solution.
So listen closely. Allow your emotions to be touched. Then, and only then,
respond to your mate’s needs. By doing so, you will show that you respect your
mate.
YOU MAY TRY THIS: The next time your mate begins speaking to you, resist the urge to
respond immediately. Wait until your spouse has finished talking and you
understand what was expressed. Later, approach your mate and ask, “Did you feel
that I was really listening to you?”
When You Have Something to Say
The
Challenge: “Sitcoms make it
appear normal to speak badly about one’s mate and to be insulting and
sarcastic,” observes Gladys, quoted earlier. Some grow up in homes where
disrespectful speech is typical. Later, when they marry, they find it difficult
to avoid this pattern in their own family. Ivy, who lives in Canada, relates:
“I grew up in an environment where sarcasm, screaming, and name-calling were
the norm.”
A
Solution:
When you talk to others about your mate, share “whatever saying is good for
building up as the need may be, that it may impart what is favorable to the
hearers.” Impart a favorable impression of your spouse by the way you speak
about him or her.
When you speak with your mate, choose your
words carefully. Jonathan, married for eight years, admits that he and his wife
still have disagreements. He has noticed that, at times, what he says makes the
situation worse. “I have come to realize that ‘winning’ an argument is actually
a loss. I find that it is much more satisfying and beneficial to build up our
relationship.”
An elderly widow in ancient times encouraged
her daughters-in-law to “find a resting-place each one in the house of her
husband.” When both husband and wife dignify each other, they make their home
“a resting-place.”
TRY THIS: With your mate, set aside time to discuss the suggestions
under this subheading. Ask your spouse: “When I talk about you in public, do
you feel honored or put down? What adjustments can I make to improve?” Really
listen as your spouse shares his or her feelings. Try to apply the suggestions
you hear.
Accept Your Mate’s Differences
The
Challenge: Some newlyweds have
mistakenly concluded that being “one flesh” means that the couple must have one
opinion or personality. However, they quickly discover that such thinking is
idealistic. Once they are married, their differences often lead to arguments. Gladys
says: “One major difference between us is that Jonathan worries less than I do.
Sometimes he is able to relax when I’m worried, so I end up feeling angry because
it appears that he doesn’t care about something as much as I do.”
A
Solution: Accept each other as
you are, and respect what is different about your mate. To illustrate: Your
eyes work differently than your ears; yet they cooperate so you can cross the
road safely. Adrienne, who has been married for nearly three decades, says: “As
long as our viewpoints are not illigal, my husband and I allow each other to
have differing opinions. After all, we are married, not cloned.”
When
your mate has a different opinion or reaction than you do, focus not just on
your own interests. Consider your mate’s feelings. Adrienne’s husband, Kyle,
admits: “I don’t always understand or agree with my wife’s opinions on matters.
But I remind myself that I love her much more than I love my opinion.
When she is happy, I really am too.”
TRY THIS: Make a list of ways that your mate’s viewpoint or way of handling things is superior to yours.
Respect is one of the keys to a happy and lasting marriage. “Respect brings contentment and security to a marriage,” says Gladys. “It is definitely worth cultivating.”
