Expressions of appreciation are
essential to a successful relationship such as marriage. Many husbands and
wives, however, stop noticing their partner’s good traits, much less expressing
appreciation for them. In the book Emotional Infidelity, one counselor
observes that many couples who see him “are much more concerned with what is not
happening [in their marriage] than with what is. They’re in my office to tell
me what needs to change, not what needs to stay the same. The mistake every one
of these couples makes is that they fail to show love through appreciation.”
How can you and your spouse avoid that pitfall?
What
you should know is expressions
of appreciation can offset marital stress. When a couple make an effort to
notice and acknowledge each other’s good qualities, their relationship
typically improves. Even severe tension can be alleviated when spouses feel
appreciated by each other.
It
is particularly important for couples with children, to follow this example of
appreciation in the family. When parents show that they appreciate each other,
they set the tone for the family. In this era of throwaway marriages, it is all
too easy to take a spouse for granted and to magnify flaws and downplay good traits.
Such negative thinking erodes marriage, turning it into a joyless burden. If
your appreciation for your mate is on the wane, ask yourself, ‘Is my
spouse really without good qualities?’ Think back on the reasons you
fell in love and married. Have all those
reasons for loving this unique person really vanished? Surely not; so work
hard to appreciate the good in your mate, and put your appreciation into words
and actions.
Appreciation also helps partners in marriage to keep their love free from hypocrisy. Such love, fueled by heartfelt appreciation, will allow no room for cruelty behind closed doors, no room for words that hurt and humiliate, no room for the cold shoulder treatment wherein days may pass without a kind or civil word being spoken, and certainly no room for physical violence. A husband and wife who truly appreciate each other honor each other. They do so not only when they are in public but wherever, all the time.
If
you’re the woman or wife, take note: Many women tend to overlook the incredible
pressure there is on men to provide for their families,” says a relationship
book. In some societies, that pressure may even exist in dual-income
families.
If
you’re the man or husband. Men often underestimate a wife’s or partner’s efforts
to support the household, whether through working, raising children, or
homemaking. One wife, who has been married for about three years, says: “We all
make mistakes, and when I do, I feel bad about myself. So when my husband tells
me I’ve done well at something around the house—for example, with chores—I
realize that he still loves me despite my flaws. I also feel supported and
happier about myself!”
In contrast, when a spouse feels taken for
granted, it can threaten the very integrity of a marriage. “When you don’t feel
appreciated by your spouse,” says another wife, “it’s easy to be drawn to
someone who does make you feel appreciated.”
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be
observant.
During the coming week, notice positive traits that your spouse displays. Also,
watch for things that he or she does to keep your household running
smoothly—things that perhaps until now you have taken for granted. At the end
of the week, make a list of
(1) traits
that you appreciate in your spouse and
(2) things
that he or she did for the benefit of your family.
Why is being observant necessary? After
you’ve been in a relationship for a few years, you can start to take your
spouse for granted. You stop noticing the good things he or she does and tend
to focus more on what he or she isn’t doing.”
You
can ask yourself: ‘Do I take my spouse’s hard work for granted?’ For example, if
your husband does things around the house, do you hold back from thanking him
because you feel that it is his duty to take care of such chores? If you
are a husband, do you feel that your wife’s efforts in child-rearing do not
merit commendation because she is simply doing what is expected of her?
Make it a goal to notice and be grateful for all the efforts—both large
and small—that your spouse makes for the benefit of the family.
Give praise generously. Show yourselves
thankful. So try to get into the habit of thanking your spouse. A husband says,
“When my wife expresses appreciation for the things I do, it makes me work
harder to be a better husband and to increase the effort I put into the
marriage.”
Husbands and wives who express appreciation for each other strengthen their relationship. I believe that many marriages could be saved if spouses kept to the fore what they like about each other. When problems arise, they’d be less inclined to end the marriage, because they have constantly been reminded of what a good thing they have.
